Me: “No.”
Lady: “Why not?”
Me: “Because I’m not.”
(turns to start another conversation with someone else.)
Those of you who think you know me…how do you see me? Those
of you who read the blog…what do you think I’d be like if we met? What words
spring to mind? Confident? Aloof? Witty? Chatty? Happy? Introvert? Extrovert?
Rude?
I’m an Ambivert. I can be a great listener, or if the mood
takes me, I can be a great conversationalist. Now even the shyest introvert or
the noisiest extrovert isn’t 100% like that all the time…all of us have a bit
of extrovert or introvert in us however hard we may deny it...it’s just that
most of us are more inclined one way or the other.
So how do I know I’m an Ambivert? Well I’ve taken many tests
over the years starting at school to see what career I would be best suited to,
to ongoing tests during my working life for “progression purposes.” It’s always
the same, 50/50, straight down the line. I’m not shy, but in some situations
I’m a happy observer – I don’t feel the need to be the centre of attention –
that way you learn more about the people you’re with.
I enjoy conversation, but I hate small talk. I can do it
when I put my mind to it, but on most occasions, I can’t be bothered. If
someone is interesting enough, the conversation will start to flow organically
and be more meaningful. Whilst those I know will say I’m loud (certainly not a
shrinking violet) I will be reserved with those I don’t know very well and
especially in situations when there is an extrovert commanding attention.
Although sometimes the overwhelming extrovert can bring out the worst in me and
it becomes a duel for supremacy.
I love spending time on my own. I have the confidence to go
to the theatre, to travel abroad, to go running down quiet lanes on my
own…BUT…then I start to wonder what I’m missing out on and why people aren’t
contacting me to arrange social gatherings, I do like both you know! And I do
like meeting new people, I really do, although I do prefer to have friends with
me in those situations, but in many circumstances, they’ve taken over and I’ve
missed opportunities to converse with interesting people (and people haven’t
had a chance to find out what I’m actually like.)
I am opinionated, but I am interested in what others think
too; so, I like to hear them out before I speak. And woe betide the person who
shouts me down because their opinion is “the only correct one” and who refuses
to listen and consider anyone else’s opinion…where is your empathy button? I’ll
put up with this behaviour for so long, but there will come the time when I must
wash my hands of these people for my own sanity. I prefer balance, if someone
is talking, I want to listen, if they are quiet, I’m happy to talk…and yes, I’m
not perfect, I will talk or shout all over someone if I’m not given any other
option!
So, there we go…I’ve introduced myself…it’s a pleasure to
meet you. Let’s see what else we learn together and why I now feel the time is
right to share my dark secrets with you.
“All I wanted was a
word, a photograph to keep” (Madness – Michael Caine)
On the morning of my A-Level English exam, I persuaded my
friend J to go to Chester with me so I could get Stephen Hendry’s autograph. I
have no idea why…I wasn’t a fan of snooker, but he was cute! The queue was long,
and we only just got back home in time for me to sit my exam. I fear that had I
missed the bus and my exam, my dad would have murdered me…fortunately he never
found out about this little adventure!
In the same year, filming had taken place for Robin Hood in
Frodsham. My school was used by some of the actors to get changed etc before
shoots. This was the version starring Patrik Berger and Uma Thurman…names I
hadn’t heard of, but thanks to an advert for Coffee Mate, I had heard of Owen
Teale (Will Scarlet) so I went to the pub and got his autograph…that was more
fun than staying in lessons. (Yet again, poor dad was non the wiser!)
Skip forward a couple of years and a band called Let Loose were
coming to prominence. Readers…I joined their official fan club!! I was sent a badge (there’s GOT to be a badge)
a newsletter and some black and white studio shots of the band. Shortly after,
I saw that they would be playing at the Student Union in Preston where I was
studying. I managed to grab them after the show for their autographs; I handed
over said B&W pics for them to sign, proudly announcing I was in their fan
club! (I was a bit tipsy and to be fair never saw them again.)
They were fun days, but I never actually knew anyone who was
REALLY into the same things as me. I had really good friends, true sports who were
happy to share various experiences with me (however bored they were!) If I
wanted to watch Let Loose, there was someone who would go with me. If I wanted
to get dressed up to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show 21 times (it was its 21st
anniversary and it seemed like a really good idea at the time) I had friends
who would go with me. (They were also game enough to go and annoy poor Jonathan
Morris backstage most nights – the doorman was a star for always letting me and
C in!)
Cheering one another on. Not trying
to outshine…
I still hold a membership card for Liverpool Football Club,
although after Brendan Rodgers took over the helm the trips to Anfield became
less frequent and I started getting obsessed with a different theatre of
dreams! Going with a group of people to Anfield and discussing the game over
egg and chips in the local café is possibly the closest thing I ever got to being
involved with a group of people who were “obsessed” with the same thing; people
who were passionate and wanted their team to do well. There was a sense of
great community – everyone wanting the same thing – no-one trying to outshine
one another.
So how did someone who had never really bothered with the
trappings of fandom, end up so embroiled in the world of the Tom Burke fans?
I’d been joyfully watching Tom Burke’s career unfurl on the TV after he
appeared in a show called POW. (Not a great show if I’m honest, but the episode
with him in was mesmerising and made me cry!) No-one I knew had ever heard of
him, and to be honest, even now there are still many people who look at me
blankly…yes, even after Cormoran Strike! I had joined the heady world of social
media for the first time and people were wanting to engage with me. We tweeted
the hours away with pictures and conversations about this new hit show on TV,
The Musketeers. People had their favourite Musketeer; Tom, Luke, Howard, Santi.
It was a strange new world and I really didn’t understand the concept of
“followers.” Who would be interested in what contributions I had to make? If I’m
honest…I still don’t understand the concept or why people engage with me as
they do!
Twitter became a fun and cosy place to be, watching an
episode of Musketeers and tweeting about it later. I’d do various screen shots
and edits of Athos (Tom Burke) as conversation starters, and I “met” some
wonderful people online. Twitter wasn’t used as it was supposed to be, it was
more of a social gathering. People were having conversations every time an
episode aired, and many people joined in with them. It was like having a chat
around the table in the pub, a happy community.
Even the most
strong-minded people can have their moments
But as time moved on and people started to meet Tom and The
Musketeers became a part of TV history, things started to change. Initially people
lost interest in the fan site forum, preferring instead to leave both that and
the public gaze of Twitter and move to more secretive WhatsApp groups. At first
it wasn’t too bad…it was a large group of friends, but it soon became dominated
with outspoken comments that were sometimes found hurtful by people. I noticed
more and more folk leaving the group. Then sub groups started forming, conversations
to be had with the select few. These filtered down into even smaller niche
groups. The sad thing was that most of those conversations weren’t particularly
private, they could have been held in the original group, but now a power
struggle was going on; which group should you align yourself with. There wasn’t
a great deal of choice in the matter, a group would be set up and you would be
put in it. You didn’t ask, you switched on your phone and noticed you were in a
new group chat.
Whilst I knew it was wrong to be so secretive, it was enjoyable
hearing people’s stories about their meetings with Tom, however airbrushed some
of the tales might have been. At the end of the day, I hadn’t created or asked
to be part of a specific group, so I took advantage of my position; but then
the tide started to change.
Now it may surprise you that whilst I love and adore Tom, I
don’t feel the need to go and see him in everything he does. If I lived in
London it might be a different story, but I don’t. I’m sensible about what I
choose to go and see. If I am travelling all the way to London and staying in a
hotel, I want that trip to be productive and value for money; so, I might fit a
Tom trip in with an exhibition I want to see, or another play I have been
wanting to watch. I didn’t go to watch him at an event when he was reading Charlotte
by David Foenkinos as it would have been a costly trip to make for just
a couple of hours; and whilst I wanted to watch him at another event reading
from The
Poetry Pharmacy by William Sieghart (I already owned a copy of that
book and I was interested in meeting Sue Perkins too) I wasn’t going to cancel my
prior engagement I had with a friend.
It turned out that not going to every event that Tom was
involved in became the reason I decided to finally cut ties with the supposed
fandom. People would report back on Facebook or Twitter the various conversations
they had had with Tom. Tom had said he
didn’t want photograph requests anymore. Tom had said he would much rather have
a conversation with people rather than selfies and autographs. Tom had said this.
Tom had said that.
On one of my solo jaunts to London to watch some non-Tom
related theatre, I ended up having dinner with someone and I got told another
one of those “Tom said this” stories. He had been upset that that he couldn’t remember
the name of a fan. Now this was nothing new. I remember someone joking with him
at The Deep Blue Sea that we should all have name badges; he’d replied that we
should! There was nothing secret in his frustration that he couldn’t remember everyone’s
names; and he shouldn’t be embarrassed, I still can’t remember the names of everyone
I work with…and I see them all regularly!!!
It transpired that Tom wanted an aide memoire to be created.
A random number of people on a poster of some sort with names and photograph’s
attached. I was honoured to know this information because it was classified,
for want of a better word; only specific people knew about this "aide memoire." On an
unrelated WhatsApp chat with someone, I mentioned the poster. The reply hit me
like a bullet in the chest. I was NOT supposed to know about the poster. My
name had come up and it had been agreed I would not be told about it. I was
astounded by the response. I was, apparently, a trusted friend, but I was still someone who should not know about the poster. This was their secret...they would make it...they would deliver it.
Did I miss something?
My father in law had been diagnosed with terminal
Mesothelioma mid-2017. As time progressed the bad days were getting worse; the
good days were getting fewer. I couldn’t be bothered with the mind games that
were being played, the snide comments written on social media, and I certainly
didn’t have the time to wade through copious WhatsApp messages. I therefore
missed the usual type of group conversation about organising a “Burke” trip to
Exeter where he was taking part in a Q&A session with Judi Spiers about Don
Carlos; the first production he was undertaking with his new theatre company,
ARA.
Or at least that is what I was told.
Someone had asked the question in the sub-group if anyone
was going to Exeter. A couple of replies were posted saying it was too far,
that it was too expensive for one night. I read those comments a day or so
after posting, but then the conversation had moved on to other non-Tom related discussions.
I checked the main group where these types of events had been discussed in the
past; the question hadn’t even arisen.
I found it hard to believe. No-one was going to see Tom
Burke? In all my time in the fandom, there was always someone organising a
group trip to visit Tom. A group trip meant more people could go and support
Tom, costs could be shared, cheaper accommodation could be found.
There’s more plotting,
scheming and backstabbing in some parts of Burkedom than in the Complete Works
of Shakespeare!
I didn’t have time to mess about seeking out who was
organising what and why it was so covert. In the good ole days it would have
been above board, posted on the main WhatsApp group. If someone was unnaturally
quiet a private text would be sent to them asking if everything was alright…had
they seen the post…did they want to go? We used to be a large, supportive group,
of both Tom and each other. This distinct lack of openness was playing heavily
on my mind. Rather than trying to find out who was going and who wasn’t, I
decided if all was well at home I would drive down to Exeter, watch the
Q&A, stay at the university (cheap & last min bookings available) and
drive back home next morning. It wouldn’t cost me that much to stay in a university
room, and I would get to hear all about Schiller’s work and about the play I
was watching at the end of the year. (In a way I was also looking forward to
being on campus again, reminiscing about my old university days and thinking
how ironic it was that I didn’t make many of my lectures back then, yet now I
was happy to travel the length of the country for one!)
Fortunately, I was able to make my trip. I made myself at
home in my university room which looked remarkably like the one I had lived in over
20 years earlier! I made my way to the bar on my own, bought a beer and I sat quietly
reading a book (this really was like living out my past!) I heard a group enter
the bar, voices loudly laughing and joking with one another. As they found a
place to sit, they commented on the travel arrangements of those who had not
yet arrived. Tom appeared shortly afterwards, and I heard them rush to say
hello to him. As he turned away from them, I got up and walked over to the
group to say hi…these were people I knew well. Shocked faces greeted me, one lady
even said, “you could have given me a lift if I had known you were coming.” How
on earth could I offer a lift to someone if I wasn’t party to any arrangements; if I didn’t know they were going?
As he walked back past this small group of fans, Tom stopped
briefly to say hello to me and went off to get ready for the Q&A. For a second, I felt
welcome, like I was where I belonged…and then suddenly a bright light dawned in my brain;
why this black sheep couldn’t be part of the secretive fold anymore...the innocouos plastic bag they had ready for Tom had a poster in it.
A few days later, I removed myself from the WhatsApp sub
groups that were in regular use. I directly asked somebody why the trip had to
be so secretive; I wanted to know if my gut feeling had been right. I was
disappointed by the evasive answers I received. I counter argued the defensive
answers given to me because they made no sense at all. A final response came
back… “we can’t be friends.”
We can’t be friends???? What the hell is this? We’re not 6-year
olds in the playground. Or is that what we’ve come to…that playground mentality
of having to be in the right gang to be popular whilst everyone else is side-lined? That childish feeling of supremacy!
I can’t be surrounded
by hypocrites, liars and schemers…
Whatever was going on, I decided that if this is how the fandom was starting to pan out, then I wanted no more part in it. It was bad for my mental
health trying to second guess what the hell was going on. I’d already got fed-up
of being introduced to Tom at events as “the pretentious one.” There’s having a
joke with someone, but after a while jokes wear thin and you begin to wonder
why there is the constant need to belittle you in front of someone you admire.
Don Carlos dawned. Tickets had been bought so far in advance
that it would be a waste of money not to honour them…but in reality, the excitement
of going to watch the play had worn thin. I was dreading evenings of fake civility.
I was welcomed within a group knowing that I was only there because Tom might think
it strange if I was sat on my own. As we spoke as a group, mid-conversation I
was told quite emphatically that a point I had made was wrong. In the past I
would have stayed quiet, even when I knew the point I had been making was
correct; now I was blowing a gasket, and yes that gasket exploded in front of Tom.
Once DC was finished, so was I…not with Tom's work (poor bloke) but I kissed goodbye
to the fandom that had previously brought me so much joy.
One of the evenings I was actually greeted by someone with a
big hug and a “so pleased to see you” comment. Really? You are so pleased to
see me that you exited our WhatsApp group, which consisted solely of me and you only a few days earlier without warning! If you don’t want anything to do with
me that’s fine, a simple hello would have sufficed. How I wish I had actually said that out loud!
Why do all good things
come to an end?
It would be amazing to go back to the halcyon days of when
the fandom first started running…but you can never go back, you must move
forwards. I cannot and will not play the sycophant. I enjoy having a chat with
Tom, but I don’t aspire to be his best friend.
My head can no longer listen to people who tell me they’ve
“accidentally” ended up outside his house, creeping away and then craving reassurance
that they’re not stalkers. The fun of the fandom, getting together, dressing
up, doing nutty things, has died for me.
I still remember the first time I met Tom and the joyful
feeling I had afterwards. I find it so sad that hopeful fans, who may only have
one opportunity to say hi to him in their lifetime, face the risk of being told
to go away by his other fans. What happened to the excited groups holding a
conversation together, when did it change to such a battle of supremacy for Tom’s
favour?
I know I sound very pessimistic, but I do hope that some
change can be brought to bringing the fandom back to the pleasant place it used
to be. I am not naïve though, and whilst I hope for its future, whether I can
stay a part of it remains to be seen. To a large extent I have lost trust and
faith in it all. I know that if a more public profile was adopted, there would still
be secretive factions plotting and planning to ensure they get their “Tom time”
above everyone else. To me it feels that
Tom is no longer a talented actor who people share an interest in anymore, he
has become a commodity, something to be fought and leered over. Do I want to be
a part of that? Not really. I’m lucky enough to have met him. He’s a lovely
bloke who doesn’t deserve a group of fans so determined to outdo one another.
Now of course this is only the tip of the ice berg, 2018 was
the year of the straw that broke the camel’s back. This is just a response to a
number of questions I’ve being trying to avoid. Whilst I have enough material
saved to make your toes curl and your hackles rise… I won’t be sharing it. Certainly
not now at any rate…although I’m sure it could make an excellent play one day - if anyone’s interested of course!
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